I Believe the Expression I’m Looking for is…..Ho, Sit Down!

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I guess it was only a matter of time, right?

Sadly the wondrous glory of a blissfully long Memorial Day weekend was darkened almost immediately as Tuesday, May 27th marked the digital release of no-talent-ass-clown for-hire, Lindsay Lohan’s first single off her forthcoming album called…..oh wait, she hasn’t been able to think of a name yet.

That’s okay, Linds, thinking’s hard.

But judging by the sounds coming from the new single, unoriginally entitled, “Bossy,” singing’s even harder.

After listening to “Bossy” a few times and doing some light poking around (and by that I mean research, not the other thing) I realized several things. First, Lindsay’s record company, Motown Records, spent what can only have been a shit-ton (to borrow an expression from Roswell) of money on the making of this track. “Bossy” is written by none other than Shaffer Smith (aka Ne-Yo), who is among the most in-demand songwriters for pop/R&B crossover records, and whose words don’t come cheap — they seem to virtually guarantee a hit record. (Evidence: Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable,” Rihanna’s “Unfaithful,” “Take a Bow,” and “Hate That I Love You,” Mario’s “Let Me Love You,” and his own “So Sick” and “Sexy Love.)”

Motown spared no expense on the production of “Bossy’s” synth-heavy pop/R&B crossover beat (a formula that’s been working well lately), luring fellow hit-guarantors (and frequent Ne-Yo collaborators) Stargate to do the heavy lifting. The Norwegian duo (no, seriously, they’re two dorky white boys) headed up the production end of nearly all the above-listed singles, along with 2007’s Beyonce/Shakira duet “Beautiful Liar,” Jordin Sparks’ “Tattoo” and Mariah Carey’s most recent single, “Bye Bye.” Fresh off successful productions from Ne-Yo’s Year of the Gentleman, Mary J. Blige’s Growing Pains and Usher’s Here I Stand, Stargate are commanding nearly top-dollar for their radio-friendly, pop/R&B sound.

The second thing I realized is that Shaffer Smith is not invincible. (Unless of course “Bossy” rockets to number one, in which case I’ll have been proven very wrong). Whereas Smith’s lyrics often center around love, lust, or general man/woman drama, and are not always artist-specific, Smith cops to writing “Bossy” solely for Lohan, even admitting that he was worried about people taking the song seriously (“I gotta admit, we were like … Lindsay Lohan? I mean, I’ve written for Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Celine Dion and … Lindsay Lohan?” he said), telling People Magazine:

“I wrote it for her because when she’s on her game, you can see these traits in her. When she’s focused, she exudes the aura of a boss with ease. It’s basically about a woman being strong enough to get what she wants when she wants it. In this case, ‘Bossy’ is a term that describes confidence and power.”

Unfortunately, things don’t work out quite so well for Smith and Lohan, as “Bossy” is chock-full of awkward lines and odd phrasings — a major departure for the seemingly always smooth balladier — which likely stem from the fact that Smith was trying to write a song about, um….Lindsay Lohan, and not, say….Kelis. (Stop touching me, without permission / Don’t disobey, answer to me…..Please me, and I will gladly brighten up your atmosphere…Huh? Wha?) Some of the stuff is just kind of weird, because…..well, what the hell is he supposed to say about Lindsay freaking Lohan? The only term that comes to my mind after “no-talent-ass-clown” is train wreck. And not including the Amy Winehouse “Rehab” Rule, “train wreck” doesn’t exactly do well on the pop charts. Besides, Winehouse is at least a “some-talent-ass-clown.”

But most importantly, the third thing I realized is that even the very best songwriters and producers in the game can’t always save a ho track from itself or the “artist.” But give both Smith and Stargate credit — they come close to salvaging a half-decent pop song out of “Bossy” thanks to an excellent bass line from the Stargate boys and an unfortunately singable hook and chorus (complete with “La la la la’s,” probably not even sung by her) from Smith. There is just one incredibly glaring problem:

Lohan really can’t sing for shit. (I know, I know — shocking.)

Okay she can more or less carry a tune (but definitely more less than more) and I wouldn’t exactly say she’s tone-deaf either. But the complete and utter flatness of her voice is actually shocking in today’s wonderful world of computer-supported vocals. To me, it’s the song’s most noticeable characteristic. And this is with the reverb already turned up to 11. The only place her vocal sounds even slightly rich — and I’m fully assuming it’s being held up by a computer — is at the beginning and end of the chorus (I’m just a little bossy). Throughout the entire song you can almost hear how hard this is for her — how forced it is, how she’s straining– laboring through every line, as if bored by being there singing, and without even a sliver of confidence, let alone this supposed “bossiness.” She’s singing like she’s just trying not to screw up.

Clearly, I wish this hadn’t happened. Ne-Yo is well-respected and well-sold as both a songwriter and a solo artist (truly no easy feat in today’s pre-packaged, image-driven music industry), and Stargate have an incredible working reputation in the hit-making business as serious producers who are actually worth what they cost because of their reliability. On the other hand, Lindsay Lohan is not well-respected, she is not well-sold, she has a horrible working reputation, and is virtually uninsurable by any movie studio wanting to cast her because of her propensity for no-talent-ass-clownery and train wreckage of the highest order.

I just hope nobody buys her un-named album. And I hope Kelis kicks her ass for sullying her song title.

– Jonathan

Listen to Lindsay Lohan’s “Bossy”

Lindsay Lohan’s official MySpace


2 Responses

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  1. Honestly, what in the hell is going on in the world today when La Lohan, a no talent (only speaking about singing/ she can actually act when not on a three day bender or stumbling over her sexuality) can actually make an album, that will probably sale somewhat. I think producers and labels should take a long hard look in the mirror and ask themselves if they truly give a damn about their craft. There are great undiscovered talents out there that will never get a sniff of a shoot at being heard by someone of influence because they are too busy making music for celeb that has the financial backing to make an album because “I always loved to sing”, please. All I am saying is, let the musicians sing and play instruments and the actors act. It almost never works when they try and crossover. What next, athletes acting or becoming musicians, oh wait, Shaque, Roy Jones, Tony Parker, etc? My point exactly.


    May 30, 2008 at 9:18 am

  2. […] Boys and The Beatles were a far cry from the modern-day no-talent-ass-clownery of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Thus, I want to highlight two new “pop” singers who bring a little more to the table. […]

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